I realize I have been using this blog as more of a journal this year, but I want to share important stories with my sweet OG while they are fresh in my mind. And something I have been wanting to tackle is the importance of health. Not weight or size - but health. I may have touched on my weight in the intro post, but for the dedicated reader(s) who may not know: I have always had issues with my size/weight. It's taken me 37 years to feel comfortable in my own skin. And also, to realize that being healthy is all that matters when it comes to your body.
My friends and family know this, but "big boned" was always my go-to description of my body type; that or "cherry tomato with toothpick legs" ;)
Take a moment. Picture it. That's my build. Slap some (now) green hair on that image and you have...ME!
But honestly, I DO have big bones...or, at least, I have a large skeletal build. I am not a petite person, never have been, never will be no matter what weight. My mom is petite, as was her mom...aaannnd my sister, my grandma on my dad's side...etc. etc.
But no, the genetics jokersters-that-be took one look at me and said "Hey, let's skip the petite thing and instead go with your 6'6" wide-built grandpa's situation, shall we?"
It was difficult being the only "big" girl. I never liked my body. In my mind I was always "fat". However, now when I look back at the pictures from my youth, I WAS NOT FAT. Sure, I was fluffy at times, but overall I now think I looked pretty "normal". Contrary to what I see now, I constantly felt ugly and "fat" when comparing myself to all of my friends/family (who all had small builds and were thin). It led to a very troublesome relationship with food.
In 7th grade I decided to never eat lunch. Never. I would come home and sneak upstairs to my room to cram my unused lunch money into my piggy bank so my mom wouldn't find out. That year was the "thinnest" of my life (at least my piggy bank was well-fed). I vividly recall being at a family get-together and being told repeatedly how good I looked. That was also the first time I was asked out by a boy. But I was not healthy. I look back to my class picture that year with disgust - my hair looked like straw due to lack of nutrients, I hated myself, and others were congratulating me on my physical appearance. I was hungry. I still felt fat. Then began the sneaking food and hiding my eating to avoid lectures from my parents or judgement from my peers. When I left for college and lived on my own, I started buying whatever food I wanted, because I could. After college I moved across the country. I remember being very sick one day and going to the nearest Urgent Care. The doctor told me that my blood pressure was almost to the point of needing to be admitted to the hospital. I was terrified, so I started making changes. I started walking, jogging, portioning meals and snack and making healthy food choices. I lost 25 pounds and felt good. At that point I was in a long-distance relationship with an amazing and wonderful man and I decided he was worth the move back home. We bought a house together. Unfortunately, the move home slowly brought back my old eating patterns. I would go up in weight, then feel horrible and make a few changes to go down in weight. The yo-yo is real! ;) Then, in an attempt to have a successful pregnancy, I began eating well. Enter: the most amazing little snugglenugget, OG! My little love flew into our lives, throwing everything on it's head. I had actually sprang back to pre-OG weight quickly, but then someone said the "magic words" (because my mind-gremlin looks for any excuse to eat poorly) - YOU NEED TO EAT MORE BECAUSE YOU'RE BREASTFEEDING. So, I did. And my choices weren't great. And our schedules were all wacky so we turned to fast food. A. LOT. For over 2 years I treated my body like a garbage receptacle.
CUT TO: PRESENT DAY
Today is a fitting day to write this post because I just returned from my quarterly doctors appointment...yes, I see my doctor quarterly for a plethora of fun health reasons, one of which was being officially diagnosed with diabetes a year ago. That was the turning point for me. A friend of mine was losing her life to diabetes at the same time I was being diagnosed. Anytime I thought about skipping my "New You CrossFit Challenge" class or eating something I shouldn't, I just thought of how my friend could no longer do those things. She no longer had the choice, but I did. So, TODAY: after A WHOLE YEAR of not treating my body like garbage, but instead with exercise and healthier foods - I was told that I was being cleared of my Diabetic diagnosis. I may have ugly-cried in my doctor's office upon her telling me the news. And then again on the phone with my husband. And maybe one more time on the phone with my momma.
I have never felt this amount of pride for myself. And since compliments usually make me feel very uncomfortable, the fact that I can even say something like that about myself is a BFD.
("Big flippin' dealio" is the kid-friendly way of describing what that acronym stands for, if you weren't sure)).
I finally have a healthy relationship with food as well. Another "first" in my life. I no longer feel addicted - I have control and I no longer make excuses or hide my eating. I am no longer using bad foods to constantly (because, it was CONSTANT.) celebrate/mourn/"feed my feelings", etc.
Caveat: everything in moderation is fine, so I do indulge from time to time. *Insert big, innocent smile here*
More importantly, for the first time in my life - again - I can say I like my body. We aren't in love yet, but we have a solid like for each other. Yes, part of that revelation does come with age...the older I get, the less I care about how others see me FOR SURE. Also, it does partly come with having a kiddo. I can sense how I look in my child's eyes. She tells me I am pretty, even when I feel the opposite, and she believes it with every cell in her body. However, I mostly feel that way because I am being good to my body, and my body is being good to me. It should never just be about losing weight (even though I am on the brink of a very important milestone in that arena). The only reason I have been so successful this year is because my focus changed to health. Mental, physical...just being in a good, healthy place. For me.
BONUS: I get to be a good role model for my babylady and hopefully live a longer life for her.
Below is an image of a lady who already felt she had hit rock-bottom, was about to find out she is diabetic and also lose a friend to diabetes.
I randomly signed up for a local "New You" challenge I came across on Facebook. I knew something had to change - I would start sweating while doing menial tasks, my back always hurt, and I couldn't bare to look at myself in a mirror. Also, I am frugal like my momma so I knew that plopping down $200 meant that I would make myself go. ;)
I didn't own any workout clothes (and didn't want to shop for any) so I wore cotton dresses and leggings for the first 6+ months. And I had an ankle brace because I had twisted it earlier that day just by sitting on my couch. True story.
My trainer has since admitted that when she saw me, she didn't think I'd stick with it.
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| This is the first time I have ever published an image of the "real" me at my worst. Even my shoes were sad and tired. |
Then we look at the image below. The same lady a year later. Still quirky and clumsy and not very athletic, but I have been trying. I stuck with it and actually fell in love with CrossFit and Yoga. I drank the kool-aid and bought workout clothes that (somewhat) fit. I can actually keep up with my 3 year old and have never felt better.
And as of today...I am no longer diabetic. I am no longer an overwhelming statistic pumped out by the SAD (Standard American Diet, ie: not good for your body)
Also, I'm a dork...but we all knew that.
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| Cheesin' it up before CrossFit - happy and healthy! |
**REVISED**
Just for posterity sake, I have decided to include a snapshot of the "newsletter" my gym e-mailed out this week. Yours truly made the cut! Honestly, I am feeling a bit uncomfortable with the attention. I will always be that shy wallflower from my youth, and my social anxiety is coming back in my 30s with the grace of a bucking bronco, but I'm trying to focus on the positives - people are proud of me and want to share my story.
